One minor solar eclipse and the sports world loses its damn mind.

In our first full day since the moon stepped over the sun like Allen Iverson against Tyron Lue, several things happened that I believe to be the beginning of the end of the world as we know it:

Kyrie Irving was traded to the Celtics for Isaiah Thomas

The Celtics were going to have to “back up the Brinks truck” for their point guard next offseason, so they instead swapped him for someone three years younger, six inches taller, and under contract for two more years. I think(?) Irving is the better player, however the last time he wasn’t playing alongside LeBron James his team went 33-49 en route to a second consecutive #1 overall pick.
Over the last 12 hours, I’ve experienced states of euphoria envisioning Irving wearing green, mixed with swings of depression hearing Isaiah Thomas’s sons asking “Do we have to move to Cleveland?” The only way I could be more emotionally conflicted would be if I was breaking up with my girlfriend to be with my wife. I sincerely hope Boston retires the #4 jersey for the life Thomas brought back to a dying Celtic’s culture. When historians look back on Boston basketball in 100 years, they will point to a 5’9 warrior as the first domino that fell in their return to glory (post-Pierce era).

Jon Jones tested positive for steroids

Not exactly the most electric news ever but it does give me the opportunity to ask why the UFC is even drug testing? I could care less what Jon Jones puts in his body, I just want to see him fight. If these men wish to sell their minds, bodies, and souls in exchange for currency I am in the belief that they should be free to cope as they wish. With that said “Bones” knows the rules better than anybody and has failed his fans too many times for sympathy. As Hilary Duff once said, “Waiting for you to pass a drug test is like waiting for rain in this drought: Useless and disappointing.”

Doug Fister 1 hit the Indians

On the third pitch of last nights game, Francisco Lindor took Red Sox pitcher Doug Fister deep and I contemplated watching From Justin to Kelly instead.

One batter in and one run on the board, I would have put my life on Cleveland last night. The 33-year-old Fister entered last nights game with a 2-6 record and a 5.56 ERA. He started the year in Triple A Salt Lake City before being claimed to help an injury plagued Red Sox staff. He had only pitched into the 7th inning once this year and all of a sudden he’s giving his last name to perhaps the AL’s most dangerous lineup. Given my mental state last night with Kyrie Irving trade news, Jon Jones’ positive test, and several Narragansett Lagers, I couldn’t come up with a fictional scenario more perplexing than a Doug Fister one-hitter.

 

So there you have it. The apocalypse is among us thanks to the first solar eclipse of the century. I mean act like you’ve been there before, world.

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